I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
