Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
