Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
