i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
