Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
