mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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