I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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