I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
