peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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