i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize