I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Randomize
