Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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