Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
