I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
