so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i drank out of a bidet.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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