I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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