I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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