Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
