you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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