I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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