I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
