We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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