FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
