We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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