the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
