WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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