Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
