I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
