I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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