Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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