my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
