I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
