Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
