Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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