I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
