You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
