Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
