my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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