At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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