there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
