i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
