It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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