I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
