i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
