I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
