I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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