I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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