She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
