If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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