You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
