Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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