tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
