He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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