i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
